Beyond Words

Dear McKenzie,

Yesterday was the first day in 18 years and 197 days that you had not been a permanent fixture in our home.  Your status has officially been upgraded to that of college freshman, an adult capable of living on your own and making wise decisions.  It seems like just yesterday (cliche, I know, but true) that all 6 pounds, 10.25 ounces of you came into my world (with the music of Van Halen playing in the background, of course).  I was only a few years older than you are now when I learned, firsthand, about a mother's love.  You are even more perfect today than you were so many years ago.  You are smart and beautiful, fiercely independent yet kindhearted.  You are a child who continues to captivate those around you.  More than anything, you are mine.  You might possibly be the first "right" thing I ever did in my life. 

I am still reeling from the emotions of two days ago.  It was incredible when we took Lane to preschool and you hugged Miss Laura goodbye.  I am quite sure it was only recently that you were a preschooler there too, dressed as Mary in the Christmas play, tossing baby Jesus into the manger with a loud "thunk".  How did the time slip away so quickly?  And then there was that play in second grade...The Three Billy Goats Gruff.  You were adorable, even if your teacher wasn't.  Fast forward to 8th grade graduation:  your blue dress just like Hannah's, and your sparkling eyes (and braces too)...I remember being told, "Stephanie, your daughter is gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous."  You still are...you still are.  As an infant, you weren't labeled "the Gerber baby" for nothing!  And high school...it seems like the time passed as such a blur, at least for me.  I know, though, that those four years were neverending to you.  You waited a long time for this next step.  Now the waiting has come to an end.

What you do not know is that as I followed you and your dad in the car, I cried.  And cried.  A lot.  It probably did not help that I was listening to my iPod.  As you know, it holds a lot of songs that are significant to me, many dating back to the days when I was quite young.  It reminded me how quickly time passes.  Wasn't it just a day or so ago when I packed my own bags and headed off to Mizzou?  And then I heard the song that really started the tears.  I love the Beatles and I know you do, too.  These words from "Golden Slumbers" are appropriate...

Once there was a way to get back homeward

Once there was a way to get back home

Sleep pretty darling do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby

Golden slumbers fill your eyes

Smiles awake you when you rise

Sleep pretty darling do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby

Once there was a way to get back homeward

Once there was a way to get back home

Sleep pretty darling do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby

 *     *     *    

You know the way home.  It's just down the road.  But home is really where your heart is ~ and mine is with you, McKenzie. 

 *     *     *  

As I drove, I looked at your "stuff" packed in my vehicle.  I had to smile at the things you chose to carry along to your new room.  In the seat beside me were some of your most treasured books...among them, poetry by e.e. cummings and Kahlil Gibran.  I picked up your copy of Elie Wiesel's Night and opened it.  Your name and "2006" were written inside the cover.  I liked that you dated the book, just as I always do with my own.  I remember when you chose to read that particular title for a class assignment.  I had already fallen in love with it and was sure you would too.   I remember that as you read it (you were still quite young), you had to stop at times because of the difficult subject matter.  You have always been intuitive and you felt keenly the atrocities committed against humankind.  Stay true to that perspective.  You have an incredible light to share with the world.  "We know that every moment is a moment of grace, every hour an offering; not to share them would mean to betray them.  Our lives no longer belong to us alone; they belong to all those who need us desperately." ~Elie Wiesel, closing remarks, Night

-
Sometimes the most sincere gifts that I can give are my words.  These are for you.  The thing is, though, I love you beyond words, McKenzie Bean.  Beyond words. xoxo